Fast Forward
I want to play my life fast forward.
Yes, skip today and the ones in between, to that day when I cannot feel pain anymore.
Everyday, if I can just describe it as a physical pain, has been excruciating and I feel like I am dying in this overwhelming sea of emotions. Sadness, loneliness, anger, fear of losing control, hostility, depression, and maybe a little bit of happiness. I feel all of these at one time. Every stride I make is like stepping on broken glass or burning coal. I feel it hurt deep and I cannot breathe. I cry myself to sleep. I wake up and I live in sorrow again and again.
I want to play my life fast forward.
I might be happy. Fast forward. I will be free. Fast forward.
If I skip today to fast forward, would it be worth it?
tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE INANIMATE OBJECT?
i love my sunglasses. hides my eyes.
Ambivalence
I hate being unhappy.
It consumes me, eats me up, makes me ugly, brings out the worst in me. Just like with everyone else. I am unhappy. I wear it all the time. I’ve worn it for years, maybe forever.
I want to be happy.
Really?
I laugh at myself. I was happy, really happy. It’s just that when I am elated, I fear the wheels will turn over and sadness would take me over again. Fuck this mentality!
What do I really want?
1pm.
1pm.
It just suddenly hits me. Sadness. Grief. Like someone that matters to me died. I wasn’t even thinking about it.
I was busy, preoccupied. I was in a place with lots of people, with a friend, with upbeat music…. The Worm Hole as they call it.
Then i cry.
I have learned over the years that when one’s mind is made up, this diminishes fear; knowing what must be done does away with fear.
Today was the day I knew I have to stop running.
Today was the day I knew I have to stop running.
May 12th 2011.
I woke up from a four-hour sleep. I remembered I went to Jonathan’s place last night and left there 2am. Jonathan is the new guy I am seeing. Before that, I met with Jaimie and Ray for martinis and pizza to discuss about Joe and the whole bucket of fishes.
Today I met with my ex-boyfriend, Joseph, for breakfast. Joe, is also the love of my life. I wanted him to come back in my life because I know that he was the man I really love. I still love him, very dearly. And why ex? We broke up because initially it was my fault, and then he cannot deal with it.
FLASHBACK:
I haven’t been alone without a boyfriend. It has been a pattern. After losing one man, I’d usually jump into another relationship without the chance of healing. I feel sane that way. I didn’t want to deal with pain.
Another pattern is about getting close. When I get to the point wherein I’m getting to be vulnerable with what I’m feeling, as soon as I start putting my guards down, I back off or push my guy away. Auto-pilot mode. It just happens. It is terrible! This is how I hurt my man. And this is how I subconsciously hurt myself.
I thought with Joseph it would be different. Yes, it was different because I love him BUT this was also my wake-up call. How could I let my ‘undesirable patterns’ or my ‘auto pilot mode’ ruin this??!
I was devastated when I lost the man I loved most. I cry every single day, many times a day.
But even though I was still devastated, here I am trying to jump to another comfort zone of another man! I got to do what will make me sane! I cannot do this without someone! I need someone I can be intimate with, not just a friend. I don’t understand this about myself. I just cannot go through this without a new guy around.
Then my friend, Rob, tells me to stop. I knew he was right. I have to stop running away from the past. I have to stop running away from my pain. I have to stop running away from myself.
My story is special.
I have to love my story so that it can have a good end.
Today, I stop running.
