Today was the day I knew I have to stop running.
May 12th 2011.
I woke up from a four-hour sleep. I remembered I went to Jonathan’s place last night and left there 2am. Jonathan is the new guy I am seeing. Before that, I met with Jaimie and Ray for martinis and pizza to discuss about Joe and the whole bucket of fishes.
Today I met with my ex-boyfriend, Joseph, for breakfast. Joe, is also the love of my life. I wanted him to come back in my life because I know that he was the man I really love. I still love him, very dearly. And why ex? We broke up because initially it was my fault, and then he cannot deal with it.
FLASHBACK:
I haven’t been alone without a boyfriend. It has been a pattern. After losing one man, I’d usually jump into another relationship without the chance of healing. I feel sane that way. I didn’t want to deal with pain.
Another pattern is about getting close. When I get to the point wherein I’m getting to be vulnerable with what I’m feeling, as soon as I start putting my guards down, I back off or push my guy away. Auto-pilot mode. It just happens. It is terrible! This is how I hurt my man. And this is how I subconsciously hurt myself.
I thought with Joseph it would be different. Yes, it was different because I love him BUT this was also my wake-up call. How could I let my ‘undesirable patterns’ or my ‘auto pilot mode’ ruin this??!
I was devastated when I lost the man I loved most. I cry every single day, many times a day.
But even though I was still devastated, here I am trying to jump to another comfort zone of another man! I got to do what will make me sane! I cannot do this without someone! I need someone I can be intimate with, not just a friend. I don’t understand this about myself. I just cannot go through this without a new guy around.
Then my friend, Rob, tells me to stop. I knew he was right. I have to stop running away from the past. I have to stop running away from my pain. I have to stop running away from myself.
My story is special.
I have to love my story so that it can have a good end.
Today, I stop running.
